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Adding Meaning To Forgiveness

 

Paryushan, an eight-day holiday set aside by Jains for religious activities, such as fasting and prayer, is also a time to reflect on past misdeeds and seek forgiveness from those whom we have hurt in thought, word, and deed. Traditionally, on Samvatsari, the last day of Paryushan, Jains seek forgiveness by saying the phrase “Michhami Dukhadam” to their family, friends, and acquaintances.

Often, people say “Michhami Dukhadam” without any thought to what they did to hurt the other person or what they can do to prevent any future hurt. In fact, most of the time, a person who has committed such harm is not even aware of having done so. Or if someone is aware of the harm, they are usually not aware of the impact, and soon forget about it. So doling out apologies without giving any thought to any specific hurtful incidents usually does not result in any behavior change.

An apology serves to alleviate guilt in the person who committed the harm; however, it does not reduce the impact of the pain in the person who has been hurt and does not assure that such harm will not occur again. Only if the apology is followed by a behavior change, can the person who was harmed gain any benefit. However, the person who committed the harm cannot change his or her behavior if that person is not aware the impact of such behavior in the first place. If a person is genuinely sorry for committing distressful actions, then that person would be highly interested in determining what those actions were in order to prevent repeating those behaviors.

So where do we even start? One way to start would be to think about everyone you have encountered in the past year and think about which of these people you have hurt the most. If you are unable to figure out whom you may have hurt, then think about whom it is that you have felt the most hurt by. Many times, people whom you have felt the most hurt by are the people who you have hurt the most. Although this is not likely to be the case in situations involving an unequal balance of power (such as armed robbery, rape, or child abuse), it is likely to be the case with most of our daily interactions, even if neither person was consciously intending to hurt the other.

I will use an example from my professional experience to illustrate what I mean. I work as a mental health counselor at an outpatient clinic for children and adolescents. Some of the children referred to me are referred in part due to frequently getting into physical fights with other children. In such situations, every child I have ever talked to has always said, “the other child started it”. Then when I ask the child, “If the other child were here right now, what would he say?” the child sometimes says, “he would say that I started it, but he really started it because he hit me first.” Then if I ask, “Well, what made him want to hit you in the first place?” the child may sometimes say, “Because I called him a name.”

My point with this example is that generally, whenever we feel hurt by someone, we tend to hurt him or her back in some way. This can evolve into a never-ending cycle. Each person feels resentment, but neither is necessarily aware that the other also feels pain. Or if we are aware that the other is hurt, we often feel that they deserve it because we believe that that person “started it.” Thus, we are quick to think that it is entirely their fault and do not see our own role in what has happened.

So how do we break this cycle and stop such resentment from continuing? Once you have thought about who it is that you have felt the most hurt by, list the chain of events that occurred in your interactions with this person. Start from the last event that occurred where you felt hurt. Make note of what you did immediately prior to the event that led to it. Next make note of what the other person did right before that, to which you were responding. Then make note of what you did that s/he was responding to. Keep on doing this until you get to the beginning. You will probably discover that you were just as responsible as the other person for all the resentment that had resulted.

Once you have a list of the various hurtful behaviors that you committed toward that person, accept responsibility for your role in creating the situation. Go through each item and note ways that you could have handled the situation better. Later, when you say “Michhami Dukhadam” to this person, you could tell the person the specific behaviors you are apologizing about, and then explain what you have learned about better ways you could have handled the situation. Alternatively, you can simply keep in mind the lessons you have learned, and apply them to your future interactions with this person and with others. Thus, you can allow Paryushan to inspire you in experiencing improved relationships and less resentment in your life.

 

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